Time Will Tell

Although I started out as a Modern Satanist, I seem to be slipping away from it each and every day.  But maybe it's just because I've been stressed out lately.   I have had this feeling that I can't fight any longer and I've been fighting it for a couple of months now.  My heart is telling me one thing but my mind is telling me something else.  The more I fight it, the more miserable I feel. I know I'm changing.  I can see it in my writing.  How this happened, I don't know.  It just did.

For example, if we Modern Satanists don't believe in Satan why do we call out to him?  This reminds me of Wiccans who use magick but yet they cast circles to protect them from gods and goddesses they call upon.  I'm starting to feel hypocritical.  It's like saying, "Hello, Satan.  I don't believe in you but I'm calling upon your name anyway. I hope you don't mind."  Maybe, in a sense, that is why I never took up ritualistic practices, but today, you know what happened?  I bought all the stuff I needed to do rituals with and it was like being under a spell. I just did it and I got all of it for under $100.  It was like, wow that worked out well.  Too well, in fact. 

I just don't know what beliefs I believe in right now and that's the problem.  Maybe if I stopped fighting this feeling and looked deep within, I would find the answer.  It seems when you look too hard for something you don't see it until you aren't looking for it anymore and that is usually when you realize the answer was in front of you the whole time.  Maybe that's what I need to do.  Stop looking so hard and just let the answer come to me when it's ready.