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Saturday, June 18, 2011

My Views As A Theistic Satanist

Often times I will be asked, "What kind of a Satanist are you?" Well, I would like to answer that question by stating that I had started out as a Modern Satanist because  at the time I thought there was only one kind of Satanism.  Soon after,  I joined the Church of Satan. It was after I came across two websites called Spiritual Satanist and Theistic Satanism when  I realized there was more to Satanism than I originally thought.
Once I got acquainted with Venus Satanas on her Facebook page, she encouraged me to seek my own path without caring what others thought. Taking her advice and thinking about my experiences growing up, I began to realize I was more a Theistic Satanist than I was Modern. I began writing books and articles about the knowledge I gained through my journey and this is how my two most popular blogs, Satanic Pride and Diary of a Satanist came to be. It is my belief that helping and encouraging others who are just starting out to do the same is very important for the Satanic Community. It is also a beautiful and rewarding experience when you have individuals who say they like your Satanic Ideals.

It is important for any beginning Satanist to dig deep within themselves and read everything they can get their hands on no matter what that material may be.  Even I have five  Holy Bibles kept in my closet that I will read occasionally for historic purposes because I feel it's important to keep up to date with what is going on in the world of Christianity as well as the world we live in. Knowledge is power. The more knowledge you gain, the more valuable you become to the Satanic Community and right now, in the world we live in, that is a necessity.

Theistic Satanism is different than Modern because we see Satan as more than a symbol of pride or freedom. To us, he is actually an entity who encourages individual thinking,  a force behind nature,  the God of this world, the God of our flesh, the God of our mind, and the God of our own innermost Will.  Personally, Theistic Satanism is having an open and sensible mind and accepting those of different cultures, as well as religion. Since I know that no two people are alike, opinions vary, and Satanic views aren't always going to be the same, which means no two people are going to be 100% acceptable of other peoples' opinions and beliefs. We all have different tastes in everything we do and different lifestyles but, that in itself, does not mean we cannot be Satanists.

As I have grown in just a short time,  my belief in my him grows stronger every day, I feel it is important to thank him each and every day for the freedom that we have. After all, if it wasn't for Satan standing up to God in the first place, we would still be slaves to Christianity. It is through him that we have this freedom to think for ourselves and to claim self ownership. But be aware that there are still people who are trying to make us slaves to Christian morals because of their beliefs and how they view and live by the bible, and these are the people that we have to be aware of.

As a Theistic Satanist, it is important for me to live my life to the fullest and to live to the best of my ability. With Satan watching over me, I know I will have his blessing.

If you anyone has any questions they would like to ask me or would just like to talk about Satanism in general, you can contact me at or you can simply write to me at and I would be more than happy to be of assistance. I would like to thank Venus Satanas and Diane Vera for their encouragement through this rewarding journey and for being valuable  leaders in the Satanic Community. For those who are wondering, I am no longer a member of the Church of Satan.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I get so tired of hearing other people say who can and can't be a Satanist.  I hate to tell these dumb mother fuckers that Satanism does not discriminate and it does not prejudice.  Satanism just simply is.  I hear all the time that if you read certain books, you're not a Satanist.  You listen to certain music, you're not a Satanist.  And here is my favorite one.  You're not a Satanist if you listen to Lady Gaga!! Oh, wait a minute, here's another one.  YOU'RE NOT A SATANIST IF YOU ARE LADY GAGA!! Right there says it all.  Those two statements, let me remind you, is not only discrimination but it is also being prejudice.  Next, we'll be told that we aren't Satanist's because we wear pink underwear.  Oh, and by the way, I wear whatever underwear is convenient.  Sometimes, I don't wear any. I'm sure those who know what I'm talking about gets the picture.

I am a Satanist and yes, I listen to Lady Gaga.  To me, she is my inspiration.  I listen to her music when I'm writing.  I listen to her music when I'm cooking.  I listen to her music when I'm doing housework.  I'm probably the only person in the world who can make cooking and cleaning look fun.  I dance to her music when I'm doing both and I have neighbors looking out of their windows watching me.  I don't give a shit really.  Let them look.  All that matters is that I'm having fun and that I am free to do as I choose.

Satanism, let me remind those who need reminding, is a philosophy to some and a religion to others.  To me, it is both.  Satanism, and I'm going to spell out is, I- N- D- I- V- I-U- A- L- I-T-Y.  It is the philosophy of the self and it is the religion of the self.  It DOES NOT matter who or what you are, what country you are from, what your name is, what you look like, if you have sex or don't have sex, if you're gay, or if you're bisexual.  Satanism just simply is.

From what I've seen of Lady Gaga during her interviews and from a creative aspect, I think she is more of a Satanist than those who say they are.

I can be crazy when I want to be.  Add a few drinks and some really good music and I'm as bad as they get.  That is pretty much when I let my Satanic self or, perhaps, my inner Demon, out of its cage.  Does that mean I am any less of a Satanist?  Hell no!  It just means I choose when and where I decide to let it all hang out and, for, Lady Gaga, it is her stage.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Divine Intuition

I spent a good portion of my time working on my book that will be finished soon. It is going to be called The Theory and Practice of Satanism for the Independent Satanist.   I think I have another two months of work left to do on it (maybe less) and it's something that I'm going to be very happy with.  Last night I stayed up until 3 a.m. working on it and I ended up taking a three hour nap later on during the afternoon.  This book is going to be special and I think I'm going to find a publisher for it because I want it to be distributed world wide.  It's what I'm supposed to do.  At least that is what my intuition is telling me.

My next project is going to be music.  I will be writing and playing my songs and recording them to upload to the Internet.  Plans are in the works for the videos I'll be making on YouTube and all I'm going to say is that I'm going to have a lot of fun with this one.  My inner demon is hard at work and I'm envisioning a lot of good stuff.  I can't wait.  They're going to be theatrical.  So my list is as follows 1) my book 2) music 3) videos.  In my videos I won't be discussing Satanism like the other videos you see on Youtube.  They're going to be so much more than that and I think Lady Gaga will approve. hehehe.  You will see.  I see visions inside my head and I know what it is that I'm supposed to do.  It's going to be wonderful.  And new.

Monday is going to be a special day because Lady Gaga's video for Born This Way comes out and I am so excited that the anticipation is making me insane. I think I watched almost every video of her's on YouTube and I absolutely love her performances and the videos she makes.  I love the fact that she uses symbols in just about all of her videos and bathes in blood during her live performances.  I don't know if it's real blood but knowing her, I wouldn't doubt it.  But it's cool though.  I love it and I love the darkness. I was watching this video and she was in this fountain rubbing blood all over herself.  I wish I could have been there.  I would have bathed in it with her.   AS ABOVE, SO BELOW.

I think my favorite live performance is the Exorcist Interlude where this woman in black pukes on her and then it shows Lady Gaga munching on a heart and blood is dripping down her chin.  That was remarkable.  I saw the photo of her holding the heart and I could see the bite marks where she had been biting into it and I keep wondering if the heart was actually real.  It looked real, but it could have been fake I guess.  I wouldn't be surprised if it was real and it wouldn't bother me a bit. I actually love it.

To others, who don't understand, she is just Lady Gaga, but I see more than that, which I'm not going to go into detail.  All I'm going to say is watching her videos is like a watching live Satanic rituals on video and I seem to understand the messages she sends out.  I can see them as plain as day.   In an interview, I can't remember which one, she said when she is on stage she feels like she is inside her fans.  Well, sometimes I feel like she's inside me. Sometimes my vision will go blurry and then it feels like she's inside my head.  Doesn't happen all the time.  Just occasionally.  I've been told to stay away from her music but no fucking way am I going to do that.  I'm getting an MP3 player this week and I'm downloading all of her songs so I can take her music on the go.  The other night I had a dream about her and she was sitting in this throne with a guy standing on each side of her and I was standing before her.  That's all I remember.  I haven't figured out if it meant anything, but it's probably because I spent all day listening to her music.

I can't wait until her next single JUDAS comes out.  I was thinking about that and I ended up writing a ritual called THE SUPPER OF JUDAS on my Satanic Pride blog.  Of all the stuff I have written thus far, that seems to be one of my favorites.  I don't know where I come up with all this stuff.  Sometimes I see words, images, and ideas, forming in my head and so I write them as I see them happening.  I guess you can call it Divine Intuition.  Or maybe it's my inner Demon speaking to me.  I think it's both.  It doesn't matter as long as I can continue doing what I love.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Mother of Monsters

For the past two weeks now I have gotten addicted to Lady Gaga.  I've watched her videos I don't know how many times and all I can say is, "Wow! She absolutely blows my mind."  I see and hear her videos inside my head but the fact remains.  She is incredible.

What fascinates me about her is that she really drives herself to achieve the impossible because in her eyes there is no impossible.  She just does it.  She is a risk taker, a go getter, and nothing gets in her way.  Despite what people say about her being mind controlled, they are so full of shit it isn't funny.  From what I've seen, she does those things because she wants to.

I listen to her music while I'm writing because it inspires me and, of course, it puts me in a devilish mood.  But now I know when the Jehovah Witnesses come around all I have to do to get rid of them is play some Lady Gaga and they'll turn and run like hell. Hail Mother Monster for the wonderful music!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Time Will Tell

Although I started out as a Modern Satanist, I seem to be slipping away from it each and every day.  But maybe it's just because I've been stressed out lately.   I have had this feeling that I can't fight any longer and I've been fighting it for a couple of months now.  My heart is telling me one thing but my mind is telling me something else.  The more I fight it, the more miserable I feel. I know I'm changing.  I can see it in my writing.  How this happened, I don't know.  It just did.

For example, if we Modern Satanists don't believe in Satan why do we call out to him?  This reminds me of Wiccans who use magick but yet they cast circles to protect them from gods and goddesses they call upon.  I'm starting to feel hypocritical.  It's like saying, "Hello, Satan.  I don't believe in you but I'm calling upon your name anyway. I hope you don't mind."  Maybe, in a sense, that is why I never took up ritualistic practices, but today, you know what happened?  I bought all the stuff I needed to do rituals with and it was like being under a spell. I just did it and I got all of it for under $100.  It was like, wow that worked out well.  Too well, in fact. 

I just don't know what beliefs I believe in right now and that's the problem.  Maybe if I stopped fighting this feeling and looked deep within, I would find the answer.  It seems when you look too hard for something you don't see it until you aren't looking for it anymore and that is usually when you realize the answer was in front of you the whole time.  Maybe that's what I need to do.  Stop looking so hard and just let the answer come to me when it's ready.   

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Professionals Aren't Always Right

Doctors can be a real pain in the ass and I don't care if they're professionals with medical certificates, they don't know a patients body better than the patient does.  In fact, I think some doctors are a bunch of quakes and it's pretty sad when I have to tell them how to do their damn job.

I have a central line catheter that goes directly into my heart and this is because I have pulmonary hypertension.  For the past two months I've been having problems with the incision site and it gets all itchy and my skin is so dry from the harsh weather we have here in Maine.  Because I've had this thing in my body for two years now on the right side of my chest my skin is breaking down from the cleaning and bandages and my body is telling me that it is time to change it and put it on the other side.  Unfortunately, the doctors don't want to put me through the trauma of having it removed and put back in cause it is sorer than a mother fucker when it's done but I would rather go through that than have itchy burning skin 24/7, and this makes the second time in a month that they put me on antibiotics.  It's like, "Hello, you dumb mother fuckers.  Instead of doctoring the problem up with a quick fix, why not just get to the bottom of the problem and be done with it?"  Putting me on antibiotics is only a quick fix and yes, it takes care of the problem temporarily but when I'm finished taking them the problem comes back three days later.

I guess fixing the problem is too much work for the assholes.  The problem is when they wait too long and it gets so infected, I have to go into the hospital  and be treated with antibiotics for two weeks through an IV. They don't like for me to leave and I'm pretty much there for a month. One group of doctors want the catheter to come out but the other group wants to save it and so I sit there until someone makes up their minds.

Eventually, it will get taken care of but it's just the idea of putting up with the itching and the burning.  However, I will just keep doing what I'm doing until they realize I've been right along.

The point is, no matter how professional a person is, they aren't always right.  Even though they don't like to admit it, they make mistakes too.  Sometimes, they make too many.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Don't Assume the Obvious

Everyone is wondering how the meeting turned out which was two hours long.  It is every time they come.  Sometimes it's for three.  Well, everything worked out fine and I weren't a total bitch about it.  I just told her I would like to know ahead of time of any schedule changes or no one was going to come at all.

I took my medication before I went to sleep and I think that played a big part in how I handled things.  Just because a situation looks the most obvious doesn't really mean it is.  There is always another side to a story.  It helps looking at a situation from all angles instead of just assuming or being paranoid about it, which I have a habit of doing when I'm not on my medication.

I was doing some research last night on my ancestors who were Passamaquoddy Indians who originated between here and New Brunswick.  My great grandmother, Sarah Sadie Smith, was a full blooded Indian from a Maine tribe.  She caught Polio at a young age and had to use crutches to walk with because she couldn't use one of her legs.  Before my mom passed away, she said my great grandmother had a terrible temper and would throw knives and forks at her husband.  She said, she threw a fork one night and it caught her husband in the back of his neck.  My Grandfather, Earl Lewis Smith, was a half blooded Indian but he wasn't from an Indian tribe because my great grandmother had him after she left her tribe.  He also had a bad temper.  He would throw knives at my grandmother, threatened to burn her alive while she was sleeping in her bed, and he would violently beat her.

The reason why I was doing research was because my family on my mother side experiences some type of psychological problems and I was wondering if it could have been inherited from my great grandmother as well as from my grand father.  It would be interesting to find that out.  From the sound of things, we probably have bi-polar or something.  And if that's the case, I better stay the hell on my medication, which means finding a new doctor or a new pharmacy so I won't experience what I went through again. My social worker asked me if I thought about hurting myself while I was off my medication and I said no.  I thought about hurting other people.

I did have nightmares while I was off it though and the nightmare I'm about to tell you was wicked.  One night, while I was drifting off into a deep sleep, I saw, in my dream, a black thing hovering over me and it was holding my head down so I couldn't get up.  I was thrashing my arms, trying to get this thing off me, and I tried calling out for help (in my dream of course) but no one was around to hear me.  I was starting to wake up but I couldn't get out of the dream and I became frightened.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't wake up.  Was I astral projecting?  Well, I weren't exactly sure but suddenly the black thing let go and I was able to wake up.  As soon as I went back to sleep the black thing hovered over me again and held me down and I felt the same experience that I felt before.  This time I could see this thing taking possession of me and I saw myself changing into a different person.  A person that I become when I'm not on my medication.  In my head, I heard myself saying, "No! I will not let you change me.  I am stronger than you."  During the time the black thing had hold of me, I remember calling out to Venus and asking for help and I saw her standing in the darkness, behind a fire, performing a ritual.  The black thing let go, and the next day the pharmacy said my medication was ready.

Although the nightmare was scary, it turned out to be pretty awesome.

Monday, January 17, 2011

On My Way Again

Tomorrow is Tuesday, the kids go back to school, which means I can get back to work on my projects.  Well, actually, that will have to wait until Wednesday because I have a couple of bitches who decided they were going to move our next meeting from Feb. 1 to tomorrow the 18th without notifying me of the change and so now I am going to let them have it. These are the rules.  1) They come to my house when I know they are coming unless I'm notified a few days ahead of time or they don't come at all.  The email that was sent to me was dated  Jan 3 and so this gave them plenty of time to CALL. They know the luck I have with computers and I told them I may not always be able to get to my email.  2) If this happens again I will cancel all services from both Community Concepts and Creative Innovations.  3) The workers who come in to work with my boys will no longer be working on the weekends.  My boys need to spend time with their father but my oldest son can't because his worker only wants to work on the days that she wants to.  Well that is going to end and she will either work three days during the week or not all.  4) My youngest son is going to have an evaluation done with "his" doctor whether they like it or not.  5) I will choose the counseling services that my kids need in order to deal with the death of their grandmother and aunt not them.  After all, I am the parent and I will do what I think is best for them.

I just hate it when people think they can come into my home and disrupt our lives and show up unannounced.  "Oh, Ellie, is home.  I think I'll stop in to annoy her."  Just because I'm home every day does not give anyone the right to show up unannounced, unless of course they are a friend of the family or myself.   Nothing pisses me off more than people who think because I have a lung condition I can't take care of my kids or myself.  I've had this condition for eight years and they've been coming to my house for the past year.  I know what I'm doing and I don't need them holding my hand.  The more I think about their treachery, the more I want to tell them to go fuck themselves.

I am strong willed and determined and I try to stay focus at all times.  Sometimes when I run out of medication for a condition that runs in my family called depression I have to struggle with negative thinking and I can get really dark, out of focus, and hateful to the people I love and admire. If I knew what antidepressants did to a person's mind when they weren't on them, I would have found a different alternative if there was one.
They work when you're on them but if it takes a week for a doctor to refill them when the prescription runs out like it always happens to me, it is pure hell for the individual and for the people around them.  I don't know how hard it is for a doctor to call in a prescription.  I called four days before I ran out and still had to wait a week.  And they wonder why people go crazy.

What happens is, a chemical in the brain ends up getting dependent on that medication just like nicotine, alcohol, and drugs.  The brain is happy when it has it but when it doesn't, it gets confused and is no longer feeling that happy feeling and so the brain starts to change.  Sometimes this causes a person to go on a rampage, commit suicide, commit violent acts towards the people they swore they would never harm, but the brain isn't thinking right and so the individual loses control.  In my case, I am taking 120 mg's of Cymbalta, two tablets daily.  I don't understand why my doctor increased the dosage from 60 mg's to 120 mg's when I was feeling fine, but she did, and so when they take their sweet time refilling my prescription I can find myself in a really bad place in a real hurry.  But my plan next time is calling a week ahead of time instead of four days before.  Hopefully, I won't find myself there again but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Now I've come across a few people who are Satanists ( if you can call them that) and it makes me so angry when they lash out at people who has to take medicine for depression, personality problems, or whatever, and they make remarks that people with such ailments aren't Satanists;  but losers who should be put out of their misery.  Well, I'm sure all of you know who these Satanists are because they think if you hold a membership card, you are a true Satanist and those who don't are posers or whatever. (I'm trying not to laugh at their ignorance but I can't help myself) and this is another reason why I am no longer part of their organization.  I'm more of a Satanist than they will ever be and that is the fucking truth.  And it isn't exactly the Satanist's fault if they have such ailments that run in their family.  This is something that can not be controlled.

But anyway, I have my medicine now and I can feel the change working in my brain again.  In a few days I will be good as new and I'll be off to working on my projects again.  

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Putting Loyalty Where It Belongs

I found myself in a situation this week when I met this individual three weeks ago on Venus Satanas Facebook page and she had sent me a friend request.  I accepted and so we were getting along pretty well writing back and forth to each other and chatting online and then one day she just got all bent out of shape because I wouldn't stop communicating with Venus and she blocked and removed both of us from her friend list.

Not only is this behavior just plain childish but it is also unsatanic.  It doesn't bother me that she did this cause I think it's down right hilarious myself.  With her calling herself a Satanist and blah, blah, blah, I am laughing myself into hysterics.  I am a devilish little thing that I admit.  But for someone to give me an ultimatum between someone I hardly met and someone who I consider an inspiration and/or mentor doesn't go well with me and, of course, I am going to put my loyalty where it belongs.  I would be foolish (not to mention brave) to disrespect Venus in such a way.

I guess what happened was, this person ordered from Venus' shop and I don't know what the story is with that and I don't really care to know.  The least I know the better, but because she felt betrayed by her she no longer liked Venus and so she thought I should do the same.  Well, I just don't do things for the hell of it and I don't do things just because it is the "in thing."  I pretty much do what I want.

I have ordered from Satanas' Shop before, last year right around in January and I got what I ordered sooner than I thought I was going to considering the Azazel pendant is special ordered or something and takes longer to ship; but I got it exactly when she said I would.  So if it's not my problem why make it so?  I order from ebay or myself cause of the free shipping or faster shipping services.  But what I will say is this: "If you don't like the service go elsewhere. Why keep complaining?"

This individual got her refund but she still wasn't happy, but that's her problem not mine.  I know where my loyalty rests and always will.  And yeah, I hear people saying, "Venus is playing you, don't be a fool." "She's watching you because she's afraid you're going to be a competition."  "She wants to keep you under her shadow."  From past conversations I've had with Venus I hardly doubt she's playing me.  What would she gain by doing so?  And out of two thousand some odd followers, why would she single me out?  It doesn't make sense.  What is she going to do?  Sign me up for the New World Order and have me become her Super Soldier?  When I happened to mention that to her the other day in the chatroom she didn't like that.  I pretty much wrote out my comment that I wasn't a competition to her, had no intentions of being one and blah, blah, blah. I left in a hurry so she couldn't respond but I ended up going back and wham-o.  She copied and pasted the comment I had written and wanted me to explain myself.  "Why do you think this?" she asked.  Gulp! That was tough so I just told her to forget what I said and she agreed.  Right there, I know, if she had a problem with me or if she saw something I wrote that she didn't like she's going to let me KNOW.

I know Venus is keeping tabs on me and that's okay.  You know how I know?  Because I would do the same.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Feeding My Ego

Some things never cease to amaze me about the way people can really treat one another.  All I can do is shake my head and do the best I can to ignore it, but I do admit, I am a little hot headed when it comes to confrontations.  I realize situations are best handled properly and not like a wild animal with my teeth showing and a deep growl in my throat.  And yes, I do growl a lot.

Ever since I've been within the Satanic community, I have noticed that it's a war zone out here in this world we call the Internet.  Satanists clash with other Satanists claiming they're the true Satanists, then you have other Satanists who dislike Satanic groups and organizations and they even come up with a name like "sheep herders." Well, I guess that's a term I use but it sounds pretty good just the same.  Nevertheless, groups and organizations are considered as such by others. This satanist hates that satanist because they believe differently and so it goes on and on and on. But where does it stop?  And where do we draw the line?  That is a good question.  One that I'm not sure I have the answer to.  

I have had my fair share of confrontations but I don't let it get in my way.  I can't, because then what kind of a person would I be?  A wimp?  A weakling?  I hardly call myself a wimp or a weakling because I always pick myself up and carry on.  It's all I can do and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it discourage me from accomplishing my goals. 

For the past month or so I observed Spiritual, Theistic Satanists while I was visiting Venus Satanas facebook page and I took a lot from other Satanists who disapproved.  Studying and observing is how I learn.  I can't help it and I find myself doing it more and more.  I enjoy learning from other people and it is true when they say, "Knowledge is power." Well, I happen to like the power and I want more.  It feeds my ego and it gives me one hell of a rush.  What's so wrong with that?