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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Professionals Aren't Always Right

Doctors can be a real pain in the ass and I don't care if they're professionals with medical certificates, they don't know a patients body better than the patient does.  In fact, I think some doctors are a bunch of quakes and it's pretty sad when I have to tell them how to do their damn job.

I have a central line catheter that goes directly into my heart and this is because I have pulmonary hypertension.  For the past two months I've been having problems with the incision site and it gets all itchy and my skin is so dry from the harsh weather we have here in Maine.  Because I've had this thing in my body for two years now on the right side of my chest my skin is breaking down from the cleaning and bandages and my body is telling me that it is time to change it and put it on the other side.  Unfortunately, the doctors don't want to put me through the trauma of having it removed and put back in cause it is sorer than a mother fucker when it's done but I would rather go through that than have itchy burning skin 24/7, and this makes the second time in a month that they put me on antibiotics.  It's like, "Hello, you dumb mother fuckers.  Instead of doctoring the problem up with a quick fix, why not just get to the bottom of the problem and be done with it?"  Putting me on antibiotics is only a quick fix and yes, it takes care of the problem temporarily but when I'm finished taking them the problem comes back three days later.

I guess fixing the problem is too much work for the assholes.  The problem is when they wait too long and it gets so infected, I have to go into the hospital  and be treated with antibiotics for two weeks through an IV. They don't like for me to leave and I'm pretty much there for a month. One group of doctors want the catheter to come out but the other group wants to save it and so I sit there until someone makes up their minds.

Eventually, it will get taken care of but it's just the idea of putting up with the itching and the burning.  However, I will just keep doing what I'm doing until they realize I've been right along.

The point is, no matter how professional a person is, they aren't always right.  Even though they don't like to admit it, they make mistakes too.  Sometimes, they make too many.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Don't Assume the Obvious

Everyone is wondering how the meeting turned out which was two hours long.  It is every time they come.  Sometimes it's for three.  Well, everything worked out fine and I weren't a total bitch about it.  I just told her I would like to know ahead of time of any schedule changes or no one was going to come at all.

I took my medication before I went to sleep and I think that played a big part in how I handled things.  Just because a situation looks the most obvious doesn't really mean it is.  There is always another side to a story.  It helps looking at a situation from all angles instead of just assuming or being paranoid about it, which I have a habit of doing when I'm not on my medication.

I was doing some research last night on my ancestors who were Passamaquoddy Indians who originated between here and New Brunswick.  My great grandmother, Sarah Sadie Smith, was a full blooded Indian from a Maine tribe.  She caught Polio at a young age and had to use crutches to walk with because she couldn't use one of her legs.  Before my mom passed away, she said my great grandmother had a terrible temper and would throw knives and forks at her husband.  She said, she threw a fork one night and it caught her husband in the back of his neck.  My Grandfather, Earl Lewis Smith, was a half blooded Indian but he wasn't from an Indian tribe because my great grandmother had him after she left her tribe.  He also had a bad temper.  He would throw knives at my grandmother, threatened to burn her alive while she was sleeping in her bed, and he would violently beat her.

The reason why I was doing research was because my family on my mother side experiences some type of psychological problems and I was wondering if it could have been inherited from my great grandmother as well as from my grand father.  It would be interesting to find that out.  From the sound of things, we probably have bi-polar or something.  And if that's the case, I better stay the hell on my medication, which means finding a new doctor or a new pharmacy so I won't experience what I went through again. My social worker asked me if I thought about hurting myself while I was off my medication and I said no.  I thought about hurting other people.

I did have nightmares while I was off it though and the nightmare I'm about to tell you was wicked.  One night, while I was drifting off into a deep sleep, I saw, in my dream, a black thing hovering over me and it was holding my head down so I couldn't get up.  I was thrashing my arms, trying to get this thing off me, and I tried calling out for help (in my dream of course) but no one was around to hear me.  I was starting to wake up but I couldn't get out of the dream and I became frightened.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't wake up.  Was I astral projecting?  Well, I weren't exactly sure but suddenly the black thing let go and I was able to wake up.  As soon as I went back to sleep the black thing hovered over me again and held me down and I felt the same experience that I felt before.  This time I could see this thing taking possession of me and I saw myself changing into a different person.  A person that I become when I'm not on my medication.  In my head, I heard myself saying, "No! I will not let you change me.  I am stronger than you."  During the time the black thing had hold of me, I remember calling out to Venus and asking for help and I saw her standing in the darkness, behind a fire, performing a ritual.  The black thing let go, and the next day the pharmacy said my medication was ready.

Although the nightmare was scary, it turned out to be pretty awesome.

Monday, January 17, 2011

On My Way Again

Tomorrow is Tuesday, the kids go back to school, which means I can get back to work on my projects.  Well, actually, that will have to wait until Wednesday because I have a couple of bitches who decided they were going to move our next meeting from Feb. 1 to tomorrow the 18th without notifying me of the change and so now I am going to let them have it. These are the rules.  1) They come to my house when I know they are coming unless I'm notified a few days ahead of time or they don't come at all.  The email that was sent to me was dated  Jan 3 and so this gave them plenty of time to CALL. They know the luck I have with computers and I told them I may not always be able to get to my email.  2) If this happens again I will cancel all services from both Community Concepts and Creative Innovations.  3) The workers who come in to work with my boys will no longer be working on the weekends.  My boys need to spend time with their father but my oldest son can't because his worker only wants to work on the days that she wants to.  Well that is going to end and she will either work three days during the week or not all.  4) My youngest son is going to have an evaluation done with "his" doctor whether they like it or not.  5) I will choose the counseling services that my kids need in order to deal with the death of their grandmother and aunt not them.  After all, I am the parent and I will do what I think is best for them.

I just hate it when people think they can come into my home and disrupt our lives and show up unannounced.  "Oh, Ellie, is home.  I think I'll stop in to annoy her."  Just because I'm home every day does not give anyone the right to show up unannounced, unless of course they are a friend of the family or myself.   Nothing pisses me off more than people who think because I have a lung condition I can't take care of my kids or myself.  I've had this condition for eight years and they've been coming to my house for the past year.  I know what I'm doing and I don't need them holding my hand.  The more I think about their treachery, the more I want to tell them to go fuck themselves.

I am strong willed and determined and I try to stay focus at all times.  Sometimes when I run out of medication for a condition that runs in my family called depression I have to struggle with negative thinking and I can get really dark, out of focus, and hateful to the people I love and admire. If I knew what antidepressants did to a person's mind when they weren't on them, I would have found a different alternative if there was one.
They work when you're on them but if it takes a week for a doctor to refill them when the prescription runs out like it always happens to me, it is pure hell for the individual and for the people around them.  I don't know how hard it is for a doctor to call in a prescription.  I called four days before I ran out and still had to wait a week.  And they wonder why people go crazy.

What happens is, a chemical in the brain ends up getting dependent on that medication just like nicotine, alcohol, and drugs.  The brain is happy when it has it but when it doesn't, it gets confused and is no longer feeling that happy feeling and so the brain starts to change.  Sometimes this causes a person to go on a rampage, commit suicide, commit violent acts towards the people they swore they would never harm, but the brain isn't thinking right and so the individual loses control.  In my case, I am taking 120 mg's of Cymbalta, two tablets daily.  I don't understand why my doctor increased the dosage from 60 mg's to 120 mg's when I was feeling fine, but she did, and so when they take their sweet time refilling my prescription I can find myself in a really bad place in a real hurry.  But my plan next time is calling a week ahead of time instead of four days before.  Hopefully, I won't find myself there again but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Now I've come across a few people who are Satanists ( if you can call them that) and it makes me so angry when they lash out at people who has to take medicine for depression, personality problems, or whatever, and they make remarks that people with such ailments aren't Satanists;  but losers who should be put out of their misery.  Well, I'm sure all of you know who these Satanists are because they think if you hold a membership card, you are a true Satanist and those who don't are posers or whatever. (I'm trying not to laugh at their ignorance but I can't help myself) and this is another reason why I am no longer part of their organization.  I'm more of a Satanist than they will ever be and that is the fucking truth.  And it isn't exactly the Satanist's fault if they have such ailments that run in their family.  This is something that can not be controlled.

But anyway, I have my medicine now and I can feel the change working in my brain again.  In a few days I will be good as new and I'll be off to working on my projects again.  


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Putting Loyalty Where It Belongs

I found myself in a situation this week when I met this individual three weeks ago on Venus Satanas Facebook page and she had sent me a friend request.  I accepted and so we were getting along pretty well writing back and forth to each other and chatting online and then one day she just got all bent out of shape because I wouldn't stop communicating with Venus and she blocked and removed both of us from her friend list.

Not only is this behavior just plain childish but it is also unsatanic.  It doesn't bother me that she did this cause I think it's down right hilarious myself.  With her calling herself a Satanist and blah, blah, blah, I am laughing myself into hysterics.  I am a devilish little thing that I admit.  But for someone to give me an ultimatum between someone I hardly met and someone who I consider an inspiration and/or mentor doesn't go well with me and, of course, I am going to put my loyalty where it belongs.  I would be foolish (not to mention brave) to disrespect Venus in such a way.

I guess what happened was, this person ordered from Venus' shop and I don't know what the story is with that and I don't really care to know.  The least I know the better, but because she felt betrayed by her she no longer liked Venus and so she thought I should do the same.  Well, I just don't do things for the hell of it and I don't do things just because it is the "in thing."  I pretty much do what I want.

I have ordered from Satanas' Shop before, last year right around in January and I got what I ordered sooner than I thought I was going to considering the Azazel pendant is special ordered or something and takes longer to ship; but I got it exactly when she said I would.  So if it's not my problem why make it so?  I order from ebay or Amazon.com myself cause of the free shipping or faster shipping services.  But what I will say is this: "If you don't like the service go elsewhere. Why keep complaining?"

This individual got her refund but she still wasn't happy, but that's her problem not mine.  I know where my loyalty rests and always will.  And yeah, I hear people saying, "Venus is playing you, don't be a fool." "She's watching you because she's afraid you're going to be a competition."  "She wants to keep you under her shadow."  From past conversations I've had with Venus I hardly doubt she's playing me.  What would she gain by doing so?  And out of two thousand some odd followers, why would she single me out?  It doesn't make sense.  What is she going to do?  Sign me up for the New World Order and have me become her Super Soldier?  When I happened to mention that to her the other day in the chatroom she didn't like that.  I pretty much wrote out my comment that I wasn't a competition to her, had no intentions of being one and blah, blah, blah. I left in a hurry so she couldn't respond but I ended up going back and wham-o.  She copied and pasted the comment I had written and wanted me to explain myself.  "Why do you think this?" she asked.  Gulp! That was tough so I just told her to forget what I said and she agreed.  Right there, I know, if she had a problem with me or if she saw something I wrote that she didn't like she's going to let me KNOW.

I know Venus is keeping tabs on me and that's okay.  You know how I know?  Because I would do the same.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Feeding My Ego

Some things never cease to amaze me about the way people can really treat one another.  All I can do is shake my head and do the best I can to ignore it, but I do admit, I am a little hot headed when it comes to confrontations.  I realize situations are best handled properly and not like a wild animal with my teeth showing and a deep growl in my throat.  And yes, I do growl a lot.

Ever since I've been within the Satanic community, I have noticed that it's a war zone out here in this world we call the Internet.  Satanists clash with other Satanists claiming they're the true Satanists, then you have other Satanists who dislike Satanic groups and organizations and they even come up with a name like "sheep herders." Well, I guess that's a term I use but it sounds pretty good just the same.  Nevertheless, groups and organizations are considered as such by others. This satanist hates that satanist because they believe differently and so it goes on and on and on. But where does it stop?  And where do we draw the line?  That is a good question.  One that I'm not sure I have the answer to.  

I have had my fair share of confrontations but I don't let it get in my way.  I can't, because then what kind of a person would I be?  A wimp?  A weakling?  I hardly call myself a wimp or a weakling because I always pick myself up and carry on.  It's all I can do and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it discourage me from accomplishing my goals. 

For the past month or so I observed Spiritual, Theistic Satanists while I was visiting Venus Satanas facebook page and I took a lot from other Satanists who disapproved.  Studying and observing is how I learn.  I can't help it and I find myself doing it more and more.  I enjoy learning from other people and it is true when they say, "Knowledge is power." Well, I happen to like the power and I want more.  It feeds my ego and it gives me one hell of a rush.  What's so wrong with that?