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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Don't Assume the Obvious

Everyone is wondering how the meeting turned out which was two hours long.  It is every time they come.  Sometimes it's for three.  Well, everything worked out fine and I weren't a total bitch about it.  I just told her I would like to know ahead of time of any schedule changes or no one was going to come at all.

I took my medication before I went to sleep and I think that played a big part in how I handled things.  Just because a situation looks the most obvious doesn't really mean it is.  There is always another side to a story.  It helps looking at a situation from all angles instead of just assuming or being paranoid about it, which I have a habit of doing when I'm not on my medication.

I was doing some research last night on my ancestors who were Passamaquoddy Indians who originated between here and New Brunswick.  My great grandmother, Sarah Sadie Smith, was a full blooded Indian from a Maine tribe.  She caught Polio at a young age and had to use crutches to walk with because she couldn't use one of her legs.  Before my mom passed away, she said my great grandmother had a terrible temper and would throw knives and forks at her husband.  She said, she threw a fork one night and it caught her husband in the back of his neck.  My Grandfather, Earl Lewis Smith, was a half blooded Indian but he wasn't from an Indian tribe because my great grandmother had him after she left her tribe.  He also had a bad temper.  He would throw knives at my grandmother, threatened to burn her alive while she was sleeping in her bed, and he would violently beat her.

The reason why I was doing research was because my family on my mother side experiences some type of psychological problems and I was wondering if it could have been inherited from my great grandmother as well as from my grand father.  It would be interesting to find that out.  From the sound of things, we probably have bi-polar or something.  And if that's the case, I better stay the hell on my medication, which means finding a new doctor or a new pharmacy so I won't experience what I went through again. My social worker asked me if I thought about hurting myself while I was off my medication and I said no.  I thought about hurting other people.

I did have nightmares while I was off it though and the nightmare I'm about to tell you was wicked.  One night, while I was drifting off into a deep sleep, I saw, in my dream, a black thing hovering over me and it was holding my head down so I couldn't get up.  I was thrashing my arms, trying to get this thing off me, and I tried calling out for help (in my dream of course) but no one was around to hear me.  I was starting to wake up but I couldn't get out of the dream and I became frightened.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't wake up.  Was I astral projecting?  Well, I weren't exactly sure but suddenly the black thing let go and I was able to wake up.  As soon as I went back to sleep the black thing hovered over me again and held me down and I felt the same experience that I felt before.  This time I could see this thing taking possession of me and I saw myself changing into a different person.  A person that I become when I'm not on my medication.  In my head, I heard myself saying, "No! I will not let you change me.  I am stronger than you."  During the time the black thing had hold of me, I remember calling out to Venus and asking for help and I saw her standing in the darkness, behind a fire, performing a ritual.  The black thing let go, and the next day the pharmacy said my medication was ready.

Although the nightmare was scary, it turned out to be pretty awesome.

1 comment:

  1. I often feel held down while sleeping/awake. I can't move but I can see my body. Maybe it is astral projection but its scary.